photo of Kaila Charice by Paige Craig

Past, present, and future all begin within a space.

My physical spaces don’t align with the space my mind wanders off to. This makes me question happiness, and whether it is actually achievable, or if it is just a momentary feeling that flees when you open your eyes.

Space allows us the opportunity to wonder; it gives our minds the ability to release any inhibitions. When we wonder, when we daydream, there’s a brief sense of pure freedom. The chains to society are gone.

Lately, space is something I feel like I’m just taking up.

I find myself often questioning…

you didn’t strike me as this kind of person
someone who would knowingly hurt another
because while you remain uncertain
she’s at home thinking that you love her

if you…

*names changed for privacy purposes*

“I let you reenter
as if you didn’t break me
a perpetual surrender
with no guarantee”

(Charice, lines 5–8;

Oscillating between fantasy and affliction my creativity catapulted with the scenarios I dreamt up. After eight months of him waiting just beyond my welcome mat, and at a safe distance of 1,200 miles away, I let him reenter.

Why did I let him back?

I used him as a crutch, he helped me through grief, and he’d answer when I called. Given the pandemic, the fantasies were a nice distraction.

He became my muse. He…

deep down we all want a connection
what’s my end if I’m alone
how do I change my perception?

I’m still trying to find my purpose
I put my worth…

why do some people struggle with honesty?
clearly you forgot all of what you promised me
does it feel better opening up doors for her?
I didn’t know love was something you could transfer

a constant dichotomy between sex and emotion
but I remember thinking that what we had was golden
and, aren’t you too old to be this way?
didn’t you already make your mistakes?

now it’s clear that you never learned your lesson
downward spirals coming in quick succession
and you know how to repeat each pattern flawlessly
incessantly regurgitating apologies

and when you’d say we fit just…

conversations now deviating from typical pattern
with a clean slate we’ve glued back what was previously shattered
slowly proving to ourselves that what we had isn’t gone
reminiscing and daydreaming because ten years is too long

cryptic confessions filled with unfortunate lessons
panicked desires fueled by volatile regression
seeking an adrenaline rush to forget that you’re broken
reality comes back full force when you wake in the mornin’

so I’m left here again with an avalanche of thoughts
illusions of second chances and after dark talks
we keep letting go, but then try again to preserve us
and when I think about the…

our conversations have become increasingly toxic
infatuation and lust don’t usually involve logic
and i know that you’ll never follow through on a promise
you keep my heart pushing daisies, but I show you calmness

because to this day it still tears me apart
that on every inch of me you left your mark
remember when I first picked up the pieces
and how no one could come between us?

I miss our impromptu masquerades
our interactions now just bandaids
and so the fascination is fading
i know it’s stupid for me to keep waiting

still if I could go…

“texting sends notifications” you said
“so how about we chat on here instead”
and then we carried on through WhatsApp
but there was something I struggled to grasp

maybe I was oblivious to your intentions
we’ve all been guilty of seeking extra attention
you always seemed happily married to me
this was something I just didn’t foresee

then you said there’s a disturbance in the force
right when you decided to veer off the course
with a brisk transition from innocent banter
to a mix of past lives and flirtatious laughter

now I know why you said good morning all…

Kaila Charice

discovering self dependency

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